'Commitment Cure' useful stuff for women and ambivalent men --

From the Chicago Tribune:
04/18/04
By Devin Rose

For annoyance purposes only, we read "The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man" by Rhonda Findling. But we can say flat out that this book is a keeper.

Findling, who's also a psychotherapist, gives a multitude of reasons why a man might alternate between being Casanova and the Fugitive -- and yes, most of them have to do with his childhood.

But Findling doesn't waste time telling women how to get men to change (an insulting idea all around). Instead, she tells women to have self-respect and stop clinging, begging or expecting miracles from men who are not going to give them what they want.

So why is sex often so powerful with the ambivalent man, Findling asks (and you ambivalent-man chasers know what she means).

She then deftly answers: In short, it's not that these guys are especially skilled lovers; it's because of their "unconscious ability to create a dynamic of distancing and returning to you. ... There's always the threat of rejection and loss hovering over the sexual connection you have together."

If he returns for a fling: "Do not let him downgrade the relationship you had together!"

From Rocky Mountain News:

Relationships: Be on lookout for Mr. Ambivalent
By Mark Wolf, Rocky Mountain News
March 6, 2004

Rhonda Findling, author of a new book on ambivalent men, watched the finale of Sex and the City with some, well, ambivalence.

Mr. Big, the most famous/notorious ambivalent figure in America, finally appeared destined to settle down with Carrie Bradshaw and live happily ever after.

"I was a little disappointed in that it was a little too Hollywood, but he could still turn ambivalent. If it becomes a movie, he could still change his mind," said Findling, whose new book is The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man (Adams Media, $14.95).

An ambivalent man, Findling writes, can seem to be the perfect guy: charismatic, funny, helpful, supportive. Then he's gone. Or he's changed, withdrawn, that talk of how much he wants a relationship evaporated.

"A lot of times they're really cool guys to hang out with. They're enjoyable. They have the kind of qualities that would make a woman want to hang out with them, stay with them, bond with them. If they were horrible, women wouldn't even be with them," said Findling, a therapist with practices in Manhattan and Forest Hills, N.Y.

Yet it never seems to last.

"There's actually a part of an ambivalent man that relates really well, and the woman feels like she's really connecting. I don't mean to imply they're psychopathic. They really love her or are attracted to her, but something happens that they want to get rid of her. He does it unconsciously; it's not on purpose. The majority do want a relationship in the beginning. They're not doing it to hurt her."

The author places ambivalent men into six broad categories:

• The Runner: "The kind of man who will actually get into a relationship and get you to fall in love with you. He falls in love, too, but he gets scared and usually just disappears."

• Man Who Plays Parlor Games: "It's some guy who flirts with you, often a co-worker. He's subtly seductive, makes you think he's interested in you but never acts on it. A lot of women think something's going to happen, and nothing ever does. They get set up to make the first move, and the guy looks at them like they're crazy."

• Casual Dater: "The guys who never get beyond a third date. They're not into a relationship. They're the ones who say, 'I want to get married,' but they find something wrong with the woman. They're looking for Princess Charming."

• Fling Man: "The guy you have great sex with. They're really into you, your soul mate, then you don't hear from them for three weeks. All of a sudden he disappears."

• Eternal Bachelor: "I thought he's the healthiest one. They can have a relationship but never get married. He's a great guy, a great catch. If you just want to date until you're a senior citizen, they're great."

• Ambivalent Cyber Man: "These guys go online, try to be seductive, tell you all these seductive things. The catch is, it might lead to a phone call, but they never want to meet."

Too often, Findling said, ambivalent men get away with their behavior because women let them. Women need to be aware of relationship warning signs, she said.

"Do you feel jerked around, manipulated? Is he acting unreliably? Is he inconsistent? You shouldn't tolerate any of this behavior. If he lies to you, you need to call him on it. You have to set boundaries about what you'll tolerate. If they can go along with it, then you have something to work with."

Some men can and will change, Findling said, but women have to be ready to cut their losses if they won't.