Don't
Call That Man! Newsletter
www.rhondafindling.com
January Issue #10
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Ambivalent Man of 2003
2. Learning Annex Event
3. Feature Article: Men Who Play Parlor Games
4. New York Support Group
5. "The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man"
6. Barnes and Noble Book Signing
1. Ambivalent Man of 2003
Billy Bob Thorton is the most Ambivalent Man of 2003
The following is a list of the ten most Ambivalent Men of 2003:
1. Billy Bob Thorton
2. Ben Affleck
3. Collin Farrell
4. Lance Armstrong
5 Jack Nicholson
6. Prince Charles
7. James Wood
8. George Clooney
9. Ethan Hawk
10. Al Pacino
This list was determined by a poll taken from the posters on the DCTM
message board. I'd like to thank the women who participated.
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2. Learning Annex Event
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Rhonda Findling will be doing a workshop at the Learning Annex in New York
City on Tuesday, April 27. To register you can call the Learning Annex at
212
371-0280
The event /workshop is based on my new book "The Commitment Cure: What
To Do
When You Fall For an Ambivalent Man". I will be signing books at the
end of
the workshop.
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3. Feature Article: Men Who Play Parlor Games
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He always seems so interested in you. Asking questions about what's
going on in your life. Gazing into your eyes while he speaks. You've even
noticed him checking you out on occasion when you were all dressed up. You
can
almost cut the chemistry between the two of you with a knife.
The only problem is nothing ever materializes from his seductive behavior.
The flirting never goes anywhere. He never asks you out on a date. He's
frustrating, confusing, maddening. You wonder if your dating instincts are
off. No,
you're reading his signals right. The problem is you're dealing with an
Ambivalent Man who's playing Parlor Games.
Who are Ambivalent Men who play Parlor Games?
· A male co-worker who's always in your office chatting you up. You
both sit
together at office meetings. There are rumors that the two of you are couple.
He's your office husband.
· A male professional (supervisor, mentor, teacher or doctor) who
takes a
particularly strong interest in you. He goes out of his way to help you out.
Boundaries are occasionally crossed. You both socialize and flirt in his this
professional office.
· A platonic male friend who always flirts with you but never asks
you out.
He's usually not involved with anyone else.
· A male cyber buddy who's intensively engaging with you on the internet
but
never wants to actually meet in person
In all of these situations the flirtatious bantering never escalates into
a
true romance. He hints and teases but can't seem to close the deal.
Emotionally healthy men don't fuel chemistry filled, frustrating, go nowhere,
teasing
entanglements. If they're interested in something more, even if it's illicit,
they will initiate some kind of romantic or sexual encounter pretty soon.
They
don't stay in indefinite limbo like the Ambivalent Man who plays Parlor
Games.
Once you've determined your man is playing Parlor Games you must try not
to
read so much into what he says to you. Always remember that action speaks
louder than words. Unless a man can act on his flirtation don't let his verbal
stuff carry a lot of weight.
It's essential that you protect yourself by not putting too much emotional
energy into a man you're not dating or having an affair with. You have to
keep
the limitations of this connection in perspective. Until you've gone out on
a
romantic date, or been in a sexual physical encounter with him it's still
strictly platonic or professional no matter how seductive he is. The bottom
line
is, don't invent a relationship. If you do so you'll be setting yourself up
for deep disappointment and heartbreak.
See him as he really is. Don't put him on a pedastal and worship him. Don't
delude yourself. Even if he's brilliant, understanding, charismatic, funny,
warm, successful, famous there's something not right about him.. Idealizing
a
man is a powerful cover-up for negative feelings that you're afraid of facing.
To facilitate working through your idealization get in touch with your negative
feelings about him. Anger and rage for instance. Aren't you the least bit
insulted that he doesn't want to date you or become sexually involved? What
about your feelings of frustration? Confusion? Aren't you angry that he may
be
wasting your time? Being in touch with all of your feelings including
uncomfortable ones will empower you to resolve this situation and make healthier
choices.
You can read more about what makes the Parlor Man tick and how to handle
him
in my new book. In "The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall For
An
Ambivalent Man" I devote an entire chapter to the Man Who Plays Parlor
Games.
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4. New York Support Group
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As usual the Wednesday New York Support Group is filled up and there is a
waiting list. After March, I plan on expanding my practice in Manhattan and
will
also have office hours on Friday. I'm considering starting a second support
group in Manhattan on Fridays. If you are interested in becoming a member
of
either of these groups please e mail me at RhondaDCTM@aol.com.
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5. "The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man"
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Just a reminder that my book about Ambivalent Men is coming out March 9,
2004.
"The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man"
will be available in book stores nationwide. You will also be able to buy
it
on the internet at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com
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6. Book Signing
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I will have a book signing at Barnes and Noble in Bayside, Queens on March
27.
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I wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous 2004.
All best,
Rhonda