“Don’t Call That Man” Newsletter!
Http://www.RhondaFindling.com
Spring- April 2007, Issue # 16
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IN THIS ISSUE
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1. “Don’t Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go” coming out in French
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As many of you know I’ve been going to Paris during part of the summer for the past two years and even started doing workshops and consultations there as well. So I’m happy to announce that “Don’t Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go” has been translated into French and coming out on May 10, 2007.
The title of the book in French is "Quand C'est Fini, C'est Fini" and it is being published by Jean-Claude Gawsewitch Editeur/ Balland. There is already a link on my website translated into French.
I will be in Paris from July 7 to July 17 and available for consultations during those days. If you are interested in having a consultation with me in Paris, please e-mail me at Rhondadctm@aol.com and I will e-mail you back with more specific information regarding scheduling, fees and where the consultations will take place.
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2. Featured Article- Rhonda’s Interview with Davy Jones from The Monkees
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Rhonda Findling Interviews Davy Jones from The Monkees About His Relationships With Women
When I was thirteen, I use to obsess with my friend Laurie for hours about Davy Jones of The Monkees. What he was doing, who he was with, and planning ways to run into him. I was thrilled when Laurie’s Ouija board predicted I’d meet him someday. I admit now that I had my sexual fantasies about Davy I didn’t dare share with Laurie or any of my thirteen year old friends. And I know I’m not alone. A generation of baby boomer women were in love with Davy Jones who remarkably wasn’t even a bad boy. Women have reported to me that they actually slept with torn out pictures of Davy from Tiger Beat , Sixteen Magazine or Monkee Spectacular and some even kissed his picture before going to sleep at night.
Jocelyn, a successful executive from Connecticut told me, “Davy Jones had a defining influence on me and the men I went out with. My biggest crush in high school looked just like him.”
Linda a fifty year old self employed woman from Manhattan told me she liked him because he was the “cutest Monkee of the four of them” and “he was funny not to mention that sexy English Accent.”
I myself only dated men with brown eyes and brown hair for years after outgrowing my infatuation with Davy Jones. So he seemed to have set a precedent for the blue print of the type of men I got involved with.
When I found out he was performing at B.B. Kings in New York City, I knew this was finally my opportunity. So now as a middle aged psychotherapist and author three pop-psychology self-help books for women, I was finally able to get my interview with him. It took long enough but whoever said that Ouija board predictions aren’t accurate?
I met up with him in the lobby of the hotel he was staying in New Jersey. Despite the shock of finally meeting my teenage heartthrob, I was stunned at how handsome and fit he was. He was also more mature and conservative looking. His Nehru jacket, bellbottoms and love beads were replaced by glasses, sweater and slacks. His hair was more gray than brown now and blown back.
When he started to speak I was amazed that he sounded the same as ever with that familiar English accent that brought me back to my young adolescence. It was as if I had fallen into a time machine or an episode of The Monkees.
During the beginning of the interview, I was completely captivated by his charm. He even sang a few lines of “Daydream Believer” for me because I told him it had been my favorite song during those years. I had to catch myself from swooning or tearing as it stirred up feelings from my youth with my whole life ahead of me.
Swinging back into professional mode I asked him what it was like to be a teenage sex symbol in 1968 in terms of meeting women?
“I never sexually took advantage of being Davy Jones. I wasn’t the kind of guy who would hit on a girl on the road and have casual sex. I don’t have casual sex. I was too busy with The Monkees show. Besides I wasn’t really very sexually active then. I was too busy trying to figure what the fuss about me was all about.”
I was shocked to learn that when I was dreaming about him back in 1968 he had just married his first wife Linda. Apparently, the TV studio had kept it a secret thank God, so that his fans like Laurie and me could keep the hope alive that someday we could marry Davy Jones, or at least have a good make out session with him.
“The truth is I married her because she was pregnant and it was the responsible and respectful thing to do”. He met Linda at a reception following the first Monkees concert in Hawaii. “I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. A cut above the rest.” Their marriage ended in 1976 resulting in two children. Talia thirty seven and Sarah thirty four, who both lived in Santa Barbara, California.
His second wife was also pregnant when he married her in 1980. Davy was ambivalent about marrying her and not sure if he was even in love with her but “John Lennon had just got shot and I wanted to care for someone or have someone care for me. I wanted to be protected and protect.” That marriage lasted seventeen years, which resulted in two daughters Annabelle who is seventeen and Jessica who is twenty three. They both live in Hampshire, England.
When I asked him what its like to know he had such a profound affect on so many women’s psychosexual development, he told me, “It’s great. I’m proud that I gave a sense of security to some girls as if I were a brother or parent figure. I think I was nonthreatening and safe for them to have crushes on.”
When I pointed out that I felt there was a strong, erotic component to our infatuations with him, he told me he thought it was more innocent.
He went onto share his mixed feelings about being a Monkee, explaining that although it brought him fame he feels it ruined his career as an actor because he got stereotyped.
“I don’t want you or the other women reading this to just know me as a Monkee. There’s much more to me. I’m vulnerable. I can love and be loved but through the years you become less attractive to yourself. Its like a beautiful model who doesn’t get asked out because everyone thinks she wouldn’t go out with them.”
This was a hard concept for me to understand since Davy obviously has no problem attracting women. Even on the autograph line at B.B. Kings, several women were giving him their phone numbers and business cards telling him they’d love for him to call them.
And it appears that he always seems to be involved in a relationship with a woman. In 2000, after the end of his second marriage Davy met a woman he had a four year relationship with which ended mostly because he didn’t want to marry again despite his passionate feelings for her.
“I didn’t marry her because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else, my daughter, my ex-wife, I needed to be more in the mainstream, out there. But now she’s married with a baby. I still love her and think about her every day. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel about someone else the way I felt about her, but I do know that I know that I’ll fall in love again and settle down into my old age.”
Recently a two year relationship with another woman who is more than twenty years his junior ended, with whom he still is professionally involved. When I asked him if he is particularly attracted to younger women, since his last two relationships were with women much younger than him (although his wives were the same age as Davy) he told me, “Age doesn’t matter to me. It’s not because of her face or body, its how a woman treats me, what comes out of her mouth. If she’s fun, smart, happy. It’s not in her face or form. It’s who you spend time with. But I think at this point I want someone now I can respect and care about. An ordinary person who has good values or the same values as me, and who I can spend my last days with. I don’t want to go into my sixties without a partner.”
He feels he is a good partner which he shares was validated when one of his one of his daughters asked his first wife Linda what kind of man she would like to marry at this point? She told her it would be someone just like Davy.
Going into my shrink mode, I felt compelled to ask Davy if the loss of his mother when he was fourteen affected his relationship with women throughout his life.
“Yes I think some of my anxieties and insecurities about women could be traced back to the death of my mother. She was sick for years with emphysema. I still have a picture of her in my bedroom from when she was twenty years old. I was very close though to my three older sisters who have been a stable presence in my life.” He even attributes his having so many sisters as the possible reason he is not a “rough and tumble” guy.
He went on to tell me that after his mother died, he started to get work as an actor. “My father didn’t want me to wear overalls or work in a factory. He wanted me to be an entertainer or a jockey. He wanted me to escape the neighborhood so he supported my becoming an actor or a musician.”
With his father’s emotional support, he got casted in London as the Artful Dodger in “Oliver” when he was just a teenager, which brought him to the US leading to his eventual casting on The Monkees.
Davy currently splits his time between Florida and Pennsylvania unless he is on the road traveling doing around seventy engagements a year. He leads a quiet life in Beavertown, Pennsylvania where he has a twenty-room house and owns twelve horses. He is a racehorse trainer and exercise jockey. Some of his horses race in Florida.
He also spends his time writing music, lyrics and poetry. He currently is working on a CD titled “Lonely And In Love”. He recently released CD of Christmas songs. He is presently working on opening up a theatre in Pennsylvania where he can put up his own productions.
He enjoys small things in life and told me that he gets satisfaction from what he refers to as “small moments of occasion.” He likes to read the paper, watch the news to know what is going on in the world.
“My life in Beavertown can sometimes be solitary and anti-social. I have a lot of backwoodsman in me, I am not a city man. I build walls, I have hands like a bricklayer, I do plumbing for the house, and I vacuum although I have a housekeeper that comes in every other week. I like living there because I’m unknown and anonymous. It’s not until I get on stage that I become Davy Jones. It’s all fresh to me then.”
When I caught him at BB Kings he did indeed transform into the twenty three year old Davy Jones, dancing and belting out Broadway hits and famous Monkee songs. He sounded as good as ever if not better. His glasses were gone, along with the preppy outfit he wore when I interviewed him. He was sexy, dynamic, funny and tremendously entertaining as he connected with the audience. At one point he took off his dress shirt covering his black t-shirt and the women in the audience started howling. It was like a flashback from the late sixties at the Forest Hills Stadium when I saw him at the Monkees concert that my father took me to.
After his performance as he was signing autographs for a line of around seventy people, I went up to him to say hello and let him know I was there. He seemed happy to see me and told me, “ I sang Daydream Believer tonight for you babe.” And despite my new found awareness and even a touch of disappointment that my teenage heartthrob struggles with issues about women and life, like the men I write books about, for a brief moment I felt my knees buckling and I was thirteen once again, back longing for Davy Jones.
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3. Rhonda’s Novel “Portrait of My Desire” now available as an e-book
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"Portrait of My Desire” is a novel I wrote about a woman's recovery from a passionate obsessive love for an Ambivalent Man.
“Portrait of My Desire” takes place in 1975 when Sharon, a naïve 26 year old woman from the Midwest comes to New York to study art and repair her shattered relationship with her father. She meets David Kaplan, a rakishly handsome, savvy, seductive New York corporate lawyer. Their passionate love affair results in Sharon's sexual and emotional awakening. David gets arrested for selling insider trading information. Humiliated about going to prison he disappears from Sharon's life. Crushed by David's rejection, Sharon loses herself to dancing, drugs, and sexual experimentation in New York City's 1970's disco scene. It's with her psychotherapist that she is able to connect her father's abandoning her when she was 13, to her overwhelming grief for David and downward spiral into drugs and sexual acting out. It's David's eventual return that tests Sharon's new found strength and emotional growth.
Here are some REVIEWS of “Portrait of My Desire”
"Love, lust and romance are the catalyst of a young woman's rite of passage during New York's disco daze. What a combination!. The art of romance comes from the heart, and Rhonda Findling proves it."
--Josie Brown, contributing editor, COMPLETE WOMAN, and author, Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know
"If you’ve ever felt you couldn’t live without a man, read this book. If you have a history of putting men’s needs above your own, read this book. If you’ve lost your sense of self or lost your own identity to obsession or sex or men, read this book. From reading this novel and accompanying Sharon on her journey through recovery, you will learn how to reclaim yourself. Sharon is a true heroine that readers will root for and love."
--Sue William Silverman, author,
Love Sick: One Woman's Journey Through Sexual Addiction
“Most women will be able to identify with this story where a woman falls in love with a man and feels the tremendous emotional chemistry that she's always dreamed about except for one thing: he won't make a commitment to her.
For her own self-esteem, she honestly knows that it's best to let go of that relationship in spite of the pain.
There's also more to this story. Sharon, the central character, also has issues with her mother and her father that she's able to resolve through the course of the book. This process along with the support of a skilled therapist also helps Sharon to complete her heartbreaking love affair with David, the ambivalent boyfriend.
The book is written from Sharon's voice as well as David's voice so a man like myself gets to see both sides of the story. I also can identify with the ongoing Wall Street trading story that runs throughout the book.
“Portrait Of My Desire” is a very real-life depiction of how a woman with complex issues (emotional separation from her mother, mourning the loss of her father, finding herself through work and creativity, exploring her sexuality, and searching for true love) moves forward in her life with honesty and deeper appreciation for your own self-worth.
This is a delightfully enlightened story about the difficult struggles that many women face and what most men have no clue about.”
-Steve Nakamoto (Huntington Beach, California USA), author Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man
Purchase and Download the e-book now
You can also purchase “Portrait of My Desire” by going to the homepage of RhondaFindling.com and clicking on “Rhonda’s novel link”
FREE E-BOOK COPY OF
“Portrait Of My Desire”
When you sign up to become a member of rhondafindling.com
To become a member of rhondafindling.com click on the Join link
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4. Ten Dating Tips For Men
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I know that I primarily write relationship articles for women but over the last few years I have counseled many male clients so I’ve decided to write some articles for men.
By: Rhonda Findling M.A., C.R.C
If you are a man who’s currently dating or looking for a girlfriend, here are some tips to help you succeed in this endeavor. If you are a woman, please pass these tips onto a male friend, co-worker or relative.
1. Don’t push sex so much
Most women find men who talk about sex when they’re first starting to date obnoxious. If you keep trying to talk about sex, you just end up looking desperate and sexually hungry. Like you never get any. Women like men who can hold back a little –who can take it or leave it. Pushing sex too much can also make a man look like he has a one-track mind and is not interested in having a relationship with her, which will make most women run for the hills.
Don’t overwhelm a women with too may of your problems when you’re first getting to know her. Don’t discuss your dysfunctional family, money problems or a bad divorce. Women might immediately categorize you as a loser and exceptionally needy. If you’re struggling with so many problems, consider seeing a therapist instead and keep your dates just for socializing.
Most women find a man who is staring at her breasts or some other part of her body when they are speaking offensive. She usually feels objectified and even violated. It also gives women the impression that the man is not really interested in her as a person. In addition it usually makes the man look immature, not smooth, socially inept and desperate for sex.
Even if you’re crazy about a woman try to sit on your feelings and act cool. Don’t chase. Nothing turns off a woman more than a man who calls her incessantly. Remember the scene from Swingers where Jon Favreau keeps calling the girl from the bar over and over and she tells him never to call her again? Women warn each other about men who give them the big rush job in the beginning only to disappear later on. So you’re better off calling her to show your interested but in a timely appropriate manner so you appear emotionally stable and sincere.
Even in post-feminist times, nothing turns a woman off more than men who won’t shell out money for the first few dates. Men who don’t like to pay look withholding and anal. If you have frugal tendencies contain them at least until you’re in a long-term relationship. Then maybe she’ll appreciate you’re carefulness about money more.
Edgy is almost an art form. It’s walking a fine line between being available, and holding back a little. It’s having a masculine powerful presence while also appearing vulnerable -like Jack Bauer character in 24. If this is too difficult then at least wear a leather jacket and try to act “as if”.
Many women experience sarcasm as hostile. Making fun of a woman you’re highly interested in even if it’s said in a clever way is not the way to go. You don’t want to come across as the jerky sixth grade boy who wants to dip her pigtails in ink. Sit on your urge to make sarcastic comments, which actually may be a symptom of your anxiety. Funny is good as long as she’s not the target of the joke.
Nothing turns a woman off more then a man who’s just waiting for her to finish speaking so it’s his turn to talk. Even if it takes a lot of self discipline focus on what she’s actually saying. Then give her some reflective feedback to let her know you’re actively listening. The most successful salesmen and politicians are great listeners. That’s how they learn what a person needs so they can make a great sale or get a vote.
Try to gaze into her eyes when you speak. There’s nothing more seductive than a guy who not only looks at a woman while he or she is speaking, but holds the gaze a couple of seconds longer than necessary. It’s very sexy.
Even if clothes aren’t your thing try to buy shoes, suits and clothing that sexy guys wear. Even if you only have one seductive going-out outfit. The myth that women are only into how much money you earn and the car you drive is simply not true. Women are very much into if a guy is hot looking just like men are. And always always have clean fingernails!
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5. Rhonda’s “Don’t Call That Man!” Movie Pic- “Take My Eyes”
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“Take My Eyes” (2005) is a Spanish film which explores the hard truth about domestic abuse. With her son in tow, battered wife Pilar (Laioe Marull) finally leaves her abusive husband Antonio (Luis Tuscar) and moves in with her sister’s family. Pilar starts a new life although she is still addicted to Antonio. This is not a formulaic Hollywood-cable movie where the ex-husband turns out to be a murderer, etc. It’s very realistic, dramatic and psychologically sophisticated, exemplifying what women in abusive marriage go through trying to change. At times it’s difficult to watch, but certainly worth the investment of time and energy.
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6. Manhattan and Queens Support Group
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There is currently an opening in my Manhattan psychotherapy support group and the Queens psychotherapy/support group. If you are interested in joining either of these groups, please contact me at rhondadctm@aol.com or leave me a message at (718) 459-3284.
Here is a description of the issues we address in both groups:
Rhonda Findling actively participates in both groups and offers feedback.
These are not drop in groups where someone can come by once or twice to check it out. All members must make at least a two-month commitment. A telephone interview with Rhonda Findling is required to become a group member.
Date and Time:
The Manhattan Group is held in Rhonda Findling's office at 32 Gramercy Park South. The group meets on Wednesday evenings from 7:00 PM until 9:00 PM.
The Queens Group is held in Forest Hills. The group meets on Tuesday evenings from 8 PM until 9:30 PM.
Fees:
Please check my website under the Support Groups link to find out about fees for the groups or you can contact me directly by emailing me at rhondaDCTM@aol.com or leaving a message at (718) 459-3284.
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Wishing everyone a healthy and prosperous Spring.
Until next time!
Best,
Rhonda