Don’t Call That
Man Newsletter!
June Issue # 12
This issue will
include:
1.”The Dating Cure”
is available!
2.Feature Article “Improving Your ‘Assessment Of Men’
Skills”
3.Manhattan Support Group now has men group members!
4.Tele-phone groups led by Rhonda
5.Rhonda’s Don’t Call That Man Movie Pic
6. Book signing in
Bayside Queens
7. Congratulations
to Shelly(Been There)
1.”The Dating
Cure” is now available
I am very happy to announce that my
new book, “The Dating Cure”(Adam’s Media 2005) is now
available at Amazon.com. It will be on the bookshelves of your local bookstore
starting July 1st. Here is the Table of Contents from “The Dating
Cure”:
Chapter 1: Ms. All About Me
Chapter 2: Ms.
Alienator
Chapter 3:Ms.
Matrimony
Chapter 4:Ms.
Eternal Bachelorette
Chapter 5: Ms.
Can’t Let Go!
Chapter 6:Ms.
Ambivalent
Chapter 7: Ms.
Controlling
Chapter 8:How not to sabotage your relationships with men
Chapter 9:Dating for marriage vs. holding out for butterflies
Chapter 10: When is
the right time to have sex?
Chapter 11: Dating
etiquette
Chapter 12:The art of playing it cool
Chapter 13:The three-month mark; to stay or not to stay, that is the
question…
Chapter 14: How to
create romantic opportunities
Chapter 15: He
drops you, what’s a girl to do?
Chapter 16: Men on
dating and relationships
Chapter 17:The men you’re attracted to
Chapter 18:Improving on assessment on men skills
Chapter 19:Tips on dealing with difficult men
Chapter 20:Why is a good man so hard to find?
Chapter 21: The
Dating Cure’s 20-step program
Chapter 22: Last
thoughts from Rhonda
2.Featured Article: “Improving Your ‘Assessment of
Men’ Skills”
“Improving Your ‘Assessment of
Men’ Skills”
In addition to being aware of how your past
affects your choices in men, its also important to
sharpen your current assessment skills so you can accurately size up the men
you date or are interested in dating. Because if you keep choosing men who are
immature, damaged, unavailable, or emotionally incapable of dating or going
beyond the third date, you will never achieve success in having a healthy
long-term relationship. So here are ten general signs to look out for:
- Is he
emotionally available?
Some
men are just not available. They could be married to a woman, and in some cases
married to God. Some men are even married to their pathology. In other words
they’re completely attached to their emotional problems and have absolutely no
interest in changing. For instance, a man is afraid of abandonment so he
compulsively reject the woman he falls in love with.
His actions are usually unconscious and compulsive stemming from his
psychological issues, to protect himself from getting hurt and damaged again,
like when he was a little boy.
Other
forms of emotional unavailability is a man who has
addiction problems- drinking, drugging, gambling, promiscuity – and they don’t
want to give it up. The high from black jack, drugs or womanizing is more
exciting and important than the boredom of a solid stable, committed
relationship.
Some
men are just plain scared of intimacy. They find relationships with women
mysterious, scary and threatening. They’re emotionally unavailable because they
end up distancing or ultimately running away.
Some
men are committed to bachelorhood and have no interest in ever marrying.
Bottom
line is trying to have a relationship with a man who’s emotionally unavailable
is like swimming against the tide or trying to draw water from an empty well.
If
having a long-term relationship is your goal, he’s not the man for you.
- “Boys in
Men’s Clothing”
There
are some men who are very charming, fun, and sexy but unfortunately are also
very immature, self absorbed and emotionally young. They are in essence “boys
in men’s clothing”. They’re like little toddlers wanting to be emotionally fed
by their girlfriends/wives, mamas. Except they no longer want baby bottles
filled with milk or Similac. Now as a physically grown man it’s
attention, love, sex, money, meals, and to generally have their emotional,
physical and sexual needs met.
Basically
they want to see you at their convenience, when they feel like it and are in
the mood for you. When it’s good for them. It’s always
on their terms. Your needs or requests, don’t count. They can’t tolerate
demands, responsibility, commitment or God forbid marriage. It’s like putting a
cross in front of a vampire. These are boys, not men.
Hanging
out with them can be a hoot. They’re often great company. They’re great to
relive your adolescence with, but if you’re looking for a partner for a solid
marriage to build a future with being with a “boy in man’s clothing” is setting
yourself up for failure big time. I suggest you keep shopping.
- Can he
sustain a relationship?
Some
men can start a relationship but can’t sustain one. They have the ability to
attach, often initially pursuing the woman they’re interested in. However, they
don’t have the inner resources to tolerate all the feelings that come up in a
long-term relationship – anger, love, fear, loss, frustration, and
disappointment. Fear of abandonment is also a biggie for them.
Bottom
line is a man who can’t sustain a relationship is the ultimate
“exciting/rejecting lover”. He seduces a woman into falling for him only to
drop her like a hot potato. Sometimes he just disappears and other times he
provokes her to dump him by acting outrageously horrible.
Unfortunately,
the only way for you to find out about his capacity to be in a relationship for
the long haul is to date him and see what he does as time passes. However, you
can try and ask him about his past relationships with women. If they’re mostly
short lived or chaotic – filled with break-ups and make-ups, then your days as
a couple are probably numbered.
- Can you
trust him?
Men
who provoke women to distrust them are often mysterious, secretive, elusive and have lied to them before.
A
woman involved with a man she can’t trust is often anxious about whether she’s
being “ played”, or consumed with thinking about whether he’s lying to her or
not. No matter how much she loves him, it’s a life of hell and usually doesn’t
work. It’s very emotionally draining and can cause a woman to become distracted
from other healthy parts of her life such as her career, children, etc.
However,
before you throw in the towel make sure that your inability to trust him is not
your own “lack of trust” issues stemming from a traumatizing childhood or bad
experience with men from your past. However, more often than not this is not
the case. I’ve found that men who are upfront, stable, and reliable do not
usually induce feelings of distrust in their partners even if the woman had
severe trauma in her childhood or as an adult.
- Accountable
When
you’re in a relationship with a man he must be accountable for his actions and
words. If not it will be almost impossible for the relationship to deepen and
grow.
What
does it mean to be accountable? When he says or does something that upsets or
hurts you, and you tell him, he must be able to own what he said or did.
He
doesn’t put it back on you and says “it’s your problem”, “you’re too
sensitive”. He has the emotional capacity to hear what you’re saying and makes
the effort to not say or do it again.
He
takes responsibility for his behavior. If he acts seductive in the “getting to
know you”, pre-dating stage, he owns that he is sexually attracted to you and
is flirting. He doesn’t put it back on you and make you feel like you’re going
crazy or it’s all your imagination.
Some
men absolutely refuse to acknowledge that they are wounding or upsetting a
woman. This kind of man wants to be completely accepted for who he is
unconditionally. His way of thinking is, if you don’t like what he says or does you just have to deal with it.
Not
being validated and heard can be experienced as being very abusive and even
hateful. Men like this are almost impossible to have a healthy relationship
with because not only is he dismissive and insensitive to your feelings, he’s
often out of touch with himself. The worst of it is you’re emotional needs
don’t get met.
- He has to be
able to tolerate your Limits and Boundaries
A
man you’re going to have a relationship with has to be able to honor your
limits and boundaries. If he doesn’t call when he says he will or is
chronically late and you tell him that he has to be more punctual and
considerate of your time by calling when he says he will – he must go along
with your limit’s and boundaries. If he can’t he’s not a good prospect for a
serious relationship. Some men are very emotionally limited and just don’t have
the capacity to tolerate other people’s limit’s and you’ll be banging your head
against the wall trying to change him.
- He has to
want to be in a relationship
If the man you’re attracted to does not want
to be in a relationship stay clear of him.
Don’t be grandiose and think that you’re
special and will be the one to turn him around. You’ll just waste a ton of
precious time and most likely will end up getting hurt and possibly humiliated.
If the man you’re into says:
-
“We can have a
good time for now but there’s no future”
-
“ I never want
to get married”
-
“I’m not
looking for a relationship”
-
“I’ve been
celibate for spiritual reasons for 3 years now. I’m not interested in having a
roommate relationship with a woman.”
- “Relationships
don’t work”
…
Then listen to what he’s telling you!!
Hanging
out with a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship is setting yourself up
for failure for finding love and the relationship of your dreams.
- Consistency
Consistency
is very important. If a man keeps changing his mind about you and the
relationship it can drive you batty. He’s into you, then
he’s not into you. He wants a relationship, then he
doesn’t want a relationship. This type of man can’t make up his mind is an
Ambivalent Man. As I described in my book “The Committed Cure”, the Ambivalent
Man is “ struggling with a profound sense of confusion
that causes him to repeatedly sabotage romantic relationships or potential
romantic relationships that could have otherwise been healthy and lasting”.
Every
time he becomes deeply involved with Carrie he provokes a breakup. He’s a great
boyfriend and then he starts to distance. It’s great television. but in real life this kind of inconsistent behavior is mind
boggling and very emotionally draining as well as chaotic.
Unfortunately,
the only way you will find out if he has problems with consistency is by dating
him and seeing what he does. The first signs of highly ambivalent behavior
could be the time to bail if confusing men are not your thing!
9. Can he have a relationship
Some
men are great to go out with. They’re fun, romantic, charming, reliable, take you to nice places. The problem is they can’t
go beyond dating because they’re looking for the perfect woman. Despite his own
shortcoming (lack of money, unattractive, disabled) he’d rather remain single
then commit to a woman who doesn’t meet his own, often-unrealistic
expectations.
When
a man who can’t have a relationship dates a woman who’s mainly interested in
him, he starts to devalue her in his mind and spoils the potential relationship
by ending it or somehow getting the woman to break it off, or somehow getting
the woman to break up with him. Sometimes this process starts because she does
something wrong that upsets him. He doesn’t have the capacity to endure anger,
disappointment or another human beings imperfections,
which is necessary in order to have a long term relationship. Any romantic
connection with a man who can’t have a relationship is often short lived.
10. He
has to be very interested in you
If
you’re more interested in him then he is in you it’s not going to work, unless
you’re looking for a one sided relationship. So make sure he’s “very
interested” before you get too attached. If you feel you’re the pursuer and
you’re doing most of the initiating and emotional work, then he’s not a good
prospect for a long-term boyfriend or husband.
You
can determine this by how often he calls you and wants to see you. If you get
together less than once a week forget it. He’s definitely not that interested.
It’s also not a good sign if he only wants to see you during the week and not
on the weekend.
If you just want to be his Tuesday night fling, or if you want to be a woman he just sees at his convenience then go for it. But if a long term , exclusive relationship with a future is your goal, you must find a man who’s “highly interested” in you.
“Improving
Your ‘Assessment Of Men’ Skills” was excerpted from “The Dating Cure”(Adam’s Media, 2005), which is now on sale at Amazon.com,
or at your local bookstore.
3.Manhattan Support/Psychotherapy Group now has men
group members
The
Manhattan Support/Psychotherapy group now has men as members. This has been a
fantastic experience because now men and women group members have an
opportunity to express their feelings to each other and get one another’s
feedback. In addition to being insightful and informative, it is also a very
healing experience for the women group members to be relating to men who are
empathic, good listeners and there for support. If you know any men who would
be interested in participating in this group, tell them they can contact me at RhondaDCTM@aol.com
4.Tele-phone groups
led by Rhonda
Rhonda
is leading a tele-phone group once a month where group members can discuss any
issues about relationships, dating, ambivalence, commitment, etc. It is also an
opportunity for you to ask any person questions regarding a relationship you
may be struggling with. In order to participate in any of her phone groups you need
to be a registered member of her website. Becoming a registered member includes
24-hour access to her message boards, chat room, and moderated chats. For more
information on joining her website just go to www.RhondaFindling.com and click on
the “Join” link.
5.Rhonda’s Don’t Call That Man Movie Pic
Possessed
Okay,
this flick was shot in the 1940’s but we all know that Don’t Call That Man is a
timeless problem. Anyway, Joan Crawford plays Louise Howell who suffers through
a one sided love affair with David Sutton, an eternal bachelor who is not
willing to commit to an ongoing relationship and treats Louise with a
dismissive attitude that feeds her inner uncertainty. Although Louise
eventually marries someone else, her obsession with David never leaves and when
he comes back into her life the old attraction that Louise thought she had
buried, returns with tragic results. This was one of Joan Crawfords
best performances of her career. This is a captivating movie about a woman who
is obsessed with a man who doesn’t return her passion and can’t let go leading
to her self-destruction. Some of her masochistic, groveling scenes seem so
real, it’s almost painful to watch. This movie in now out on DVD, which you can
buy off of Amazon or you can try to catch it on Turner
Movie Classics cable channel (TMC).
Please do not confuse this movie with the one starring Clark Gable, which is
also titled “Possessed”. This movie’s ambivalent man “David” was played by Van
Heflin.
6. Book signing
in Bayside Queens
Rhonda
will be signing her books and giving a talk at the Barnes & Nobles in
Bayside Queens, July 21, 2005 at 7:00 p.m. The location is
7.
Congratulations to Shelly, one of my Chat Moderators
In
July, Shelly (Been There) who is one of my group moderators,
is getting married to a non-ambivalent great guy! I wanted to congratulate her
and share some of her feedback about her new relationship. This is what Shelly
posted about the beginning of her new life. This is shared with Shelly’s
permission:
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Yesterday,
I moved the last few things out of my apartment and into my fiance's home.
After everything was out of the apartment and I'd cleaned it, I stood there
for a moment and remembered everything that happened there. |
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These are some of the questions posters on
RhondaFindling.com’s message boards were asking Shelly: |
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Congratulations once again to Shelly for
letting go of a hopeless Ambivalent Man and having the tenacity and faith to
not give up and keep searching for and finding a man who is capable of
permanent love, commitment, and attachment.
Have
a great summer everyone!
All
Best,