He always seems so interested in you. Asking questions about what’s going on in your life. Gazing into your eyes while he speaks. You’ve even noticed him checking you out on occasion when you were all dressed up. You can almost cut the chemistry between the two of you with a knife.
The only problem is nothing ever materializes from his seductive behavior. The flirting never goes anywhere. He never asks you out on a date. He’s frustrating, confusing, maddening. You wonder if your dating instincts are off. No, you’re reading his signals right. The problem is you’re dealing with an Ambivalent Man Who Plays Parlor Games.
Who Is the Man Who Plays Parlor Games?
The Man Who Plays Parlor Games is all talk and no action. He seems like he’s interested in you but can’t make it to the first date.
In all these situations, the flirtatious bantering never escalates into a true romance. He hints and teases but can’t seem to close the deal. Emotionally healthy men don’t fuel chemistry that goes nowhere. If they’re interested in something more, even if it’s illicit, they will initiate some kind of romantic or sexual encounter pretty soon. They don’t stay in indefinite limbo like the Man Who Plays Parlor Games.
Shari, an attractive thirty-two-year-old saleswoman, met Bob at a spiritual healing conference. He was a handsome Reiki healer and tarot card reader. After striking up a conversation, they found they had a lot in common and went out that night to dinner. When they got onto the topic of relationships, Bob disclosed that he didn’t want to become physically intimate with a woman because it interfered with his spiritual work. He explained that relationships were very time-consuming and that he wanted his work to take complete priority in his life. Despite his celibacy, Shari couldn’t help but notice that he was dressed very seductively in tight jeans and a sexy shirt with the top buttons undone. His muscular chest was proudly displayed. During dinner he seemed enamored with Shari, asking her personal questions while gazing deeply into her eyes. Shari felt very attracted to Bob and was thrilled when he started calling her after the conference. When they spoke on the phone Bob often called Shari “baby” as if she were his girlfriend or lover. When she mentioned getting together in person, he always came up with an explanation as to why he couldn’t meet up with her. Bob was an Ambivalent Man sending Shari double messages.
What Causes His Ambivalent Behavior?
The Man Who Plays Parlor Games probably grew up with a mother who was cold, distant, and rejecting—maybe even contemptuous toward him. There’s a chance he was emotionally and/or physically abused as a child. Loving someone only brings up feelings of betrayal and pain in him. He feels more comfortable and less anxious keeping a firm boundary, almost like a fortress.
However, being only human, he also craves intimacy despite his fears. So he handles his simultaneous anxiety and longing for closeness by manipulating a woman into experiencing his feelings. This process is known as projection.
Projection means attributing one’s feelings, thoughts, and fantasies onto another person, because feeling these things for oneself is uncomfortable and/or causes anxiety. So when a Man Who Plays Parlor Games acts seductive and flirtatious, and you’re getting turned on by his attention, that is what he feels for you, and has gotten you to struggle with the same feelings he’s trying not to deal with. He doesn’t act on the messages he’s sending you with his behavior because he’s often not in touch with his own feelings. He’s confusing and makes you feel as if he’s playing games.
During the course of their phone discussions Shari found out that Bob was sexually abused as a child. It appeared he had difficulty struggling with his conflicts about his sexual longings because they triggered traumatizing memories. As a result he acted out his sexual urges that he was trying not to feel by dressing seductively and calling Shari “baby.” He managed to get Shari to feel desire for him, which is what he was originally feeling for her and trying to rid himself of. Now she’s struggling with his projected feelings, and her own feelings of desire and frustration that the friendship isn’t really going anywhere romantically.
Why Does He Act This Way?
Here are the real reasons why some men play Parlor Games:
1. He is terrified of closeness. While a Runner has the capacity to attach but can’t sustain a relationship, an Man Who Plays Parlor Games can’t even reach that level of intimacy. He is usually single and unattached because he’s terrified of risking closeness for even a little while. He’s in an awful predicament because he craves closeness and pushes it away at the same time. His ambivalence about intimacy causes him to send you mixed signals.
2. He is struggling with sexual identity issues. He may be in the process of coming out of the closet. He’s trying to have a relationship with a woman, but his heart really isn’t in it. Deep down he’s really attracted to men but not ready to face his reality, thus the mixed messages. There are also Men Who Play Parlor Games who are ashamed of their sexuality. They long for a woman but are afraid of expressing their sexual interest. These men may be struggling with sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation or impotency.
3. He is contemptuous toward women. The most dangerous type are man is the one who gets pleasure from teasing women with a relationship knowing he’s never going to ask them out. This kind of ambivalence might result from a childhood with an abusive or overly seductive mother. He most likely felt powerless growing up. He acts out now by making you feel helpless, frustrated, and rejected the way he might have felt as a boy or adolescent.
4. He is involved with another woman. Some men are truly interested in a woman they’re acting seductive with, but are already involved with someone else. This type of man is not usually suffering from a traumatic childhood. He is authentically confused about whether he should pursue a relationship with a woman due to prior commitments. Unfortunately the thrills and chills of the seductive encounter is often the end of the road. Unless he leaves the woman he’s already involved with, this situation can be very disappointing and frustrating for someone who is highly interested in this man.
The common thread that all Men Who Play Parlor Games share is that they are not open and honest about their feelings, which causes a woman to become confused and frustrated. Due to his lack of connection between his behavior, his thoughts, and his emotions, this type of Ambivalent Man is indeed very confusing.
How to Handle a Man Who Plays Parlor Games
In order for you to protect yourself from making yourself vulnerable and getting hurt by a man who plays Parlor Games the following is a list of ways to handle a Man who Plays Parlor Games
Don’t Invent a Relationship
Once you’ve determined your man is playing Parlor Games, you must try not to read so much into what he says to you. Always remember that action speaks louder than words. Unless a man can act on his flirtation, don’t let his verbal stuff carry a lot of weight.
It’s essential that you protect yourself by not putting too much emotional energy into a man you’re not dating or having an affair with. You have to keep the limitations of this connection in perspective. Until you’ve gone out on a romantic date or been in a sexual physical encounter with him, it’s still strictly platonic or professional no matter how seductive he is. The bottom line is, don’t invent a relationship. If you do, you’ll be setting yourself up for deep disappointment and heartbreak.
Vanessa met Alan on the Internet in a chat room. Living in different parts of the country, they began sending each other long intimate e-mail letters. They spoke on the phone on only two occasions. Vanessa thought about Alan all the time and thought she had finally met the man of her dreams. She denied the fact that he never gave her his home phone number and rarely answered his cell phone. She began referring to Alan as her boyfriend when she spoke to her friends about him. To Vanessa’s shock and dismay he completely disappeared after two months. When he finally contacted her, he confessed he was married and had gone back to his wife. Although Vanessa had enjoyed her brief connection with Alan, she realized this was not a real relationship, but an invented one.
Don’t Idealize Him
See him as he really is. Don’t put him on a pedestal and worship him. Don’t delude yourself. Even if he’s brilliant, understanding, charismatic, funny, warm, successful, and famous, there’s something not right about him. Idealizing a man is a powerful cover-up for negative feelings that you’re afraid of facing. To facilitate working through your idealization, get in touch with your negative feelings about him. Anger and rage for instance. Aren’t you the least bit insulted that he doesn’t want to date you or become sexually involved? What about your feelings of frustration? Confusion? Aren’t you angry that he may be wasting your time? Being in touch with all of your feelings including uncomfortable ones will empower you to resolve this situation and make healthier choices.
Emily was working at her new job as a receptionist for a week when Tony, an exceptionally handsome senior advertising executive, started flirting with her. Despite his daily seductive behavior he never initiated getting together outside of work. Tired of waiting for him to make the first move, Emily asked Tony out to lunch. He turned her down explaining he was busy. Despite her disappointment Emily can’t stop thinking about how handsome and charismatic he is. When she goes out on dates with men who are interested in her, Emily compares them to Tony. Idealizing Tony is preventing Emily from developing a real relationship with a man who is available and not playing Parlor Games.
Don’t Stay in the Situation
What’s keeping you hooked on a man who can’t get it together to date you or even have an affair? Are you hoping against hope that he’ll come through for you? Try looking deeper. Is he a substitute for a real relationship? Are you too lazy or too anxious to pursue a man who can offer you more? Do you have a need for some kind of drama to fill the emptiness of your life? Are you attached to painful, frustrating situations? Why are you willing to settle for so little? Why don’t you think you’re entitled to more?
Okay, may be he’s bringing some positive aspects into your life. He’s paying attention to you, offering support, helping your career, giving you advice, and bringing some excitement into your life. Keeps in mind, though, that being involved with a man who does not want a romantic relationship or even an affair can reek havoc on your self-esteem. He can make you feel unattractive, unwanted, unloved, deprived. Being attracted to someone who’s continually frustrating and rejecting you is humiliating and self-defeating. So, if you want to feel better about yourself, he’s not going to help you; in fact, he’ll make you feel worse.
Pulling the Plug
After much contemplation you’ve decided not to tolerate Parlor Games anymore. So what now? Set a limit. Make a decision on how much time you’ll give for the relationship to switch into the romantic dating mode. Otherwise, you could passively wait around, letting his ambivalence take over your life. When your time limit is up, you can take the following steps to be more proactive:
Warning: This discussion could lead to feelings of rejection and anger for either or both of you. The entire relationship could spoil and even end. So be careful with this decision. The good thing is that you’ll be putting the truth out there, which will end the Parlor Games, and he could fess up to his feelings of attraction for you. The best part is you’ll no longer be in limbo.
Detaching from the Man Who Plays Parlor Games
You’ve tried everything you can to get him to come around, but he’s still playing games. It’s definitely time to walk away. The following tips should help you as you move onward and upward:
Rose, an aspiring novelist, was in a writer’s group led by Stanley, a published writing teacher whom she greatly admired. She noticed that Stanley paid more attention to her than anyone else in the group, which made Rose feel special. One evening the group went out to a bar for a drink and Stan sat down right next to Rose in a booth. He gazed deeply into her eyes and kept touching her arm when he spoke. At the end of the night he hugged her goodbye, which he didn’t do with anyone else. Rose was very attracted to Stanley at this point and was hoping he’d ask her out on a date. When she went back to the writer’s group it was business as usual. He acted as if nothing happened that night at the bar.
Rose came to consult with me at this time due to her ongoing frustration and disappointment with Stanley. She discussed her difficulty coping with her crush on Stanley, along with the double messages he was sending her. Because she was very sensitive to rejection, she decided that she didn’t want to risk confronting Stanley or initiating a date. The whole situation was beginning to interfere with her writing and everyday life, so after much contemplation Rose decided that it was in her best interest to leave the group. She thought that if Stanley was really interested in dating her, he had her phone number and could just call her up and ask her out.
Although Rose never did hear from Stanley again, she felt much better not having to deal with his ambivalence anymore. Freed from her frustration and anxiety about Stanley, she was able to concentrate on her novel, which she quickly completed.
Rose and other women I’ve treated have sworn that after dealing with men who play Parlor Games, they will never let themselves get caught up in a man who’s all talk and no action ever again!